When I was younger, I went to a French restaurant with a cohort of friends. We were all pretending to be much older than we were, actually believing that the waiters mistook us for a bunch of 20 something artists out for a night on the town. Then came the dreaded moment. The waiter handed us the wine list. We huddled together, each producing a factoid that we had gleaned from the “grown-ups,” thinking that we were sounding like French vino connoisseurs. We were young boys, wearing our fathers’ ill-fitting suits; looking absolutely ridiculous.
I may have gotten older, but my fear of the sommelier persist. I mean I want him to like me, right? I like to think that all people, to lesser or greater extent, feel the same fear and loathing that I do when faced with a decision about what to drink. Now you might not be a wine person, and that’s fine – wine culture in many ways comes across as horribly snooty, elitist and pretentious. But what are you going to do when those bastard sommeliers sneak up behind you and catch you unaware? Wine etiquette, even if you don’t like wine, can be useful. From boss to potential partner, wine jargon, like all jargon, is used to separate the insider from the outsider. And it is always better to be inside. If you enjoy wine, then there is all the more pleasure to be had.
I am not a wine snob. I am not one of those people who, when poured a class of wine, swirls it in their glass, compares the colour against a white background, takes a small slurpy slip, and then juggles the wine about my mouth for a minute. I am someone who enjoys wine and wants to know how I can get the stuff I like for a price I love.
Assuming that you know nothing about wine, let’s start from the beginning. Red or white? The traditional rule is red with meat, white with fish. And this is a rule of thumb. However, it is perfectly acceptable to order a red wine with a meaty fish like tuna or salmon, especially if the meal contains strong flavours. The important thing to remember is that although colour is an indicator of certain qualities of a wine, it is not the final judge of taste. The better rule of thumb is strong flavours with red, more subtle flavours with white. The actual differences come mainly from the type of grape, or whether the skins are left on or off.
The next step in deciding what wine you would like to drink is grape variety. Despite common conceptions, there is no such thing as a Pinot noir. What does exist is what is known as the cépage, which refers to vines, which are very similar to the grape variety in question. For white wine all you need to remember is the big eight, consisting of Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc, Riesling, Gewürztraminer, Pinot Grigio, Sémillon, Viognier and Chenin blanc. Important names to remember for red wines are Cabernet Sauvignon, Pinot noir, Merlot, Cabernet Franc, Syrah, Shiraz, Sangiovese, Malbec and Granche. Each of these grapes has unique flavours and colours that affect the wine. Once you know the names, all you need to do is try a little from each type, and decide which mixes you like the best
The next variable is the origin of the wine. Anyone who has ever looked at a French wine list knows that they do not list their wines by grape variety but by region. For example, in my personal favourite region Bordeaux, reds are made from a combination of Cabernet Sauvignon, Cabernet Franc and Merlot grape varieties. Simply by knowing what grape varieties you enjoy, you can make a much more informed decision on what to buy.
So why do restaurants group wine in terms of variety instead of by grape variety? The answer is that climate affects how the wine will taste just as much as the grape type. The more sun a vine receives, the more time the plant will have to photosynthesise, which creates sugars that affect ‘alcohol content, sweetness and colour.
After you take all these factors into the equation, wine becomes like mathematics. And we all know how much you like mathematics. Grape variety plus sun exposure and other regional variations plus age equals what your wine should taste like.
Another thing you need to know is the tannin content of your wine. Tannins are simply a chemical compound found in wine. A light bodied wine will have fewer types of tannin than a full-bodied wine, which will have more tannin. During the aging process tannin becomes “softened,” meaning that wine with a higher tannin count like a claret will become better with age, while wines with a lower tannin count come to maturity at an earlier age.
So why do people say that wine tastes like smoky pears on a lazy afternoon with a woman named Matilda? The reason is that during the fermentation process, the newly formed alcohol reacts with the air, forming “esters” which remind us of things like fruit, because they naturally occur in it. So that person drinking grape juice and tasting apple isn’t crazy, he is just pretentious.
In terms of cooking, there is a very simple rule. Never cook with wine you wouldn’t drink. Cooking wine has high salt levels and acidity, which makes food disgusting. Good red cooking wines are Mourvedre, Grenache and Shiraz. All three are easy to cook, guaranteeing that you get the most out of your alcohol.
A word against cheap wine: it is your right and privilege to drink whatever you want. Drink cheap wine. I had a friend who enjoyed wine from £2.50. Granted she had to cut it with lemonade, but like all questions of aesthetics, it comes down to personal choice. Drink what you enjoy and to hell with everyone else! That being said, by ignoring the world of wine you are missing one of the fundamental joys of drinking.
Fortunately for us, you no longer have to go to some scary wine specialist to get good wine. These days any supermarket has a good wine selection, for descent prices, and all it requires for you to do is look past those 2 for £2.50 bottles of paint solvent to find them. I recommend a reasonably priced Côtes du Rhône or Bordeaux, as they have a heavy-bodied complex flavour, making it a perfect accompaniment for autumn dishes.
Enjoying wine, like enjoying food, is a learning process. It involves actively trying new things and deciding what you really like. However, after reading this article, hopefully the next time that snooty sommelier comes over and asks whether you would like a bottle of Pollo in a sippy cup, you will be able to use new wine knowledge and make an informed decision.
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